Black Hole
by Caffey
Summary: [J/C] Kathryn discovers the pull of black holes, one in space and the other much closer and far more handsome. Written December 1999.


Black Hole  
by Caffey   


Disclaimer: The Star Trek Universe is sole property of Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: Singularily inspired by one sentence in Peter David's "Imzadi II: Triangle".

Rated: PG-13

-=/\=-

'My quarters are a mess,' Kathryn thought idly, as she momentarily looked away from the astrometrics report Seven had given her to get what was most likely her eighth cup of coffee that evening. 

She was right, though, because anywhere one looked there were coffee cups as well as piles of data PADDs lying scattered around. The uniform jacket, which Kathryn had gotten rid of earlier, hung over the couch's armrest, serving as a pillow for the time being. 

Walking up to her replicator, Kathryn ordered another cup of coffee, Seven's report still in hand. She was exhilarated about Seven's findings, to put it mildly, so putting the PADD aside for once never came to Kathryn's mind. Seven's need for expressing her thoughts thoroughly served a purpose this time, and for the first time ever Kathryn was grateful for the report's length. 

Voyager had stumbled over a black hole. 

Well, the sensors had read what might well be the largest black hole ever seen by a Starfleet officer. They had of course not literally stumbled over it, as that would have been Voyager's end. No, Seven had been working on improving the astrometrics' sensors, which had eventually led to finding this black hole. It was, however, twelve light-years off of their current course, but actually Kathryn didn't care that much. Even though it would take them a few days to get there, and most likely another week to get as much data as possible, this extraordinary astrometrical phenomenon was definitely worth the additional time. They were, after all, explorers, weren't they? 

On her way back to the couch, Kathryn had already resumed reading the PADD. As mentioned before, Seven had been very, very thorough in writing this report, so Kathryn had about two-hundred and seventy-five pages to read. She was on page eighty-eight as the door chime sounded, startling her momentarily, so her cup almost dropped to the floor. 

"Come in," Kathryn called while she lay down on the couch again, her eyes still glued to the PADD. 

"Didn't you promise to be relaxing?" an all too familiar male voice asked, sounding slightly accusing. "Is this your idea of relaxing? Reading reports?" 

"I'm not reading reports," she replied unimpressed without so much as a glance in his direction, "I'm reading exactly one report." Then, as if she realized that she was being impolite, Kathryn added, "Have a seat, while I finish this page. Then I'm all yours." As absorbed in her reading as Kathryn was, she didn't catch the double entendre in her last sentence. 

Chakotay, however, did. "Can I have that in black and white?" 

Now, having no clue what he was getting at, Kathryn had no other choice but to put that oh-so-captivating report aside to give him a confused look. When she caught the expression on his face, though, she knew that whatever he had been referring to had been good enough to make fun of her, if the twinkle in his eyes was any indication. 'Odd,' she thought, 'that I can read him like a book at times.' 

With a big dimpled grin Chakotay shook his head dismissingly. "Never mind ... So, are you done for the time being, or shall I make an appointment and come back later?" 

"Don't be silly," she replied, grinning as well. "I think I can live without reading this," she held up the PADD, "for a moment." 

"Only for a moment?" Chakotay countered in mock seriousness. "And here I was thinking you'd appreciate spending time with your First Officer..." 

Kathryn chose to ignore his comment. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of confirming it, so she instead asked, "What did I do to deserve this unexpected visit? Didn't you trust me enough to take some time to relax?" 

Leaning back in the easy chair, and crossing his legs, Chakotay gave her a stern look, which crinkled the indigo lines of his tattoo. "Trust had nothing to with it, Kathryn. You seem to forget that I've been working beside you for almost six years now. Did you honestly expect me to believe you when you said you would take some time off?" 

"The way I recall it, Chakotay, I had no say in the matter," Kathryn retorted. "You more or less -- rather less, which was better for your health, mind you -- ordered me to take the evening off. However, you did not specify how I was to spend it," she added with a grin, which caused a fit of laughter on his part. 

"You're incorrigible, Kathryn," was Chakotay's only reply, after he had managed to calm down. "I didn't think you'd actually relax, though, hence my visit. Now, what is it that's so intriguing that you've managed to mess up your quarters like this, not to mention the amount of coffee you've drunk?" he asked with a look at his surroundings. 

"Why, thank you, Commander. I appreciate your thoughtfulness not to comment on this," Kathryn retorted. "Anyway, Seven's report had me fascinated, to answer your question. It's about the largest black hole I've ever heard of, and we're just about twelve light-years away from it..." 

"Uh-oh," Chakotay interrupted, frowning. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded. And when no immediate answer was forthcoming, she said in her best captain's voice, "Spill it, Commander!" 

"It means, I see trouble coming up," he answered slightly nervously. "Knowing you, we'll probably change course to investigate it, won't we?" 

"And...?" 

"And? Kathryn, we're talking about a black hole, not to mention a huge one, so why wouldn't I be worried about Voyager's safety?" He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, as he used to do when he wasn't sure how to proceed. "I can see the fascination it holds, but I can also see the danger this black hole poses for Voyager. We'd most likely be better off if we left it alone." 

Kathryn leaned slightly forward, an unconscious action to be closer to him, though she wouldn't admit that, if she knew it. "I don't plan on flying right into the center, Chakotay. I simply want to take a closer look at it, collecting data. That's an opportunity you don't get too often. Black holes are rare, so any data about them is rare, too. This is simply a chance to figure them out, and I don't plan on letting this chance pass me by. And," she continued, not giving him an opportunity to interrupt her again, "we'll still be too far away for the black hole to have any pull on Voyager." 

"And how can we determine that?" he demanded. 

"Excuse me?" 

"How can we determine what 'too far away' is?" Chakotay specified. "Black holes are unpredictable, you know that as well as I do. How can we be absolutely sure that this or that distance will keep Voyager from being pulled in? The decision to investigate this black hole might be signing our death warrant for all that we know about this kind of spatial phenomenon..." 

"Are you accusing me of putting Voyager into unnecessary danger? Is that what this is all about?" Kathryn countered, slowly but surely getting upset. This discussion was ruining her entire evening, because the easy banter from only a few minutes ago was definitely gone. 

"No," he insisted. Chakotay was getting worked up over this too, as he usually did when they had any sort of argument. "I'm merely accusing you of getting too caught up in your excitement. Think about this, Kathryn," he said emphatically. "Do you really want to take these chances? Sure, we might have no difficulty collecting data, but we also might be getting into much trouble. Fact is, we don't know for sure." 

"Chakotay..." Kathryn sighed, getting ready to retort. 

"Think about it," he insisted before she had a chance. "Just take the night to think about it, please. We can discuss this again tomorrow at the staff meeting. I'm sure you've already decided to bring the matter up then." 

"All right," she replied, if somewhat reluctantly. "I'll think about it. Are you happy now?" she added with just a bit of sarcasm. 

Actually, Chakotay wanted to reply 'far from it', but held his tongue in that matter and settled for a simple "yes". He then got up, thinking that retreat sometimes was the best course of action where Kathryn was concerned. "I'd better be leaving," he added somewhat unnecessarily. "Sleep well." 

"Yes. You too." A reflex response from 'before", but at this moment Kathryn didn't realize it. 

-=/\=-

'Sleep well. Yeah ... Right,' Kathryn thought at 0300 hours. 'As if I were able to sleep after this.' 

She had kept her promise to think about what Chakotay had said. In fact, she hadn't done anything else, let alone sleep. But worse was that she had come to see his point, and with that she was forced to accept that his concerns hadn't been so uncalled-for. However, Kathryn Janeway wouldn't be Kathryn Janeway if she'd let such an opportunity pass her by. She had thought about it, all right. She had seen his point. But they were still going to discuss this topic at the staff meeting tomorrow. 'Today,' Kathryn mentally corrected herself and groaned. 

-=/\=-

If Chakotay had had any hopes that Kathryn had changed her mind about the black hole topic, they went out the airlock as he caught sight of the determination on her face when Kathryn entered the bridge. He silently admitted to himself that he had yet to figure that woman out. At times, she could be so damned concerned about her ship and crew that one might say it almost bordered on paranoia; then at other times, she'd throw caution to the wind. 

Apparently, his realization must have shown on his face, because Kathryn walked right up to him, looking somewhat apologetic. Then again, Chakotay might just be imagining this, because she of all people had no reason to be looking at him that way. As Kathryn had so told him many times: the decision was ultimately hers. 

"I'd like a word with you, Commander," she said without preamble, after she had stopped two feet short of him. "In the briefing room," she added. 

His "aye, Captain" was all but useless, since Kathryn had nearly reached the doors to the briefing room, giving him no choice but to follow. 'Ha! As if I had a choice to begin with,' he thought somewhat sarcastically, and got moving. 

"The bridge is all yours, Tuvok," Kathryn called over her shoulder, before she entered, Chakotay in tow. She didn't even bother to wait for her Security Chief's acknowledgement, because she was positive that Tuvok would handle things well ... as usual. 

Waiting for her to voice whatever was on her mind, Chakotay watched her walk up to the far end of the briefing room table, but to his surprise, she didn't sit, but continued on to the window, watching the passing stars as was Kathryn's habit when she was troubled. 'Now, why is she being troubled?' Chakotay wondered, but chose not to ask her just yet. From experience he knew that she would tell him on her own, when she was ready. Still, when no explanation for this little 'talk' was forthcoming, Chakotay grew a bit impatient and decided to speak first. "I assume this meeting has to do with your ... wish ... to investigate the black hole?" 

At first, Kathryn appeared as if she hadn't heard a single word he had said. Then, as Chakotay was about to repeat himself she turned to face him. "As a matter of fact, yes," she confirmed his assumption, though there was an odd tone to her voice. However, Chakotay couldn't place it, since he'd never having heard this particular tone before. 

"And?" he inquired, trying not to sound impatient, but failing miserably. He thought he knew the answer to his question, after all. Kathryn's response did surprise him a lot, though, since it was not at all what he had expected. 

"I think it best to talk to you first about this topic," Kathryn eventually replied. "I thought long and hard about what you said, and I've come to realize that you're right. "That elicited an arched eyebrow from Chakotay, who by now had no idea what to think anymore. "However," Kathryn quickly continued, "I'm not ready to dismiss this opportunity yet. So I'm proposing a compromise." 

"Yes?" 

Kathryn looked him straight in the eye. "We'll discuss the possibility of investigating the black hole at the staff meeting in a few minutes. I'll listen to everyone's concerns, and if , based on the opinion of my senior staff, is too much of a risk, I'll drop the topic, and we'll be continuing on our present course. However, if we come to agree that the risk is negligible, we'll take a look at the black hole ... Agreed?" 

Agreed? How could he not agree? Her suggestion was better than anything Chakotay had been prepared to hear. But why was she really considering his opinion all of a sudden? To Chakotay's utter astonishment, she had voiced her thoughts in a fashion he wasn't used to. Hadn't she told him time and again that she was the captain? That every decision was ultimately hers? Then why was she acting as if she wanted ... needed ... his agreement? 'Well, back to figuring her out,' Chakotay thought dryly, and aloud he said, "Agreed." This answer earned him a smile from Kathryn that warmed his heart and weakened his knees. For a moment he thought, 'Maybe letting her investigate the black hole is worth the risk if it makes her smile like that.' 

Only a few minutes later, Voyager's senior staff filed into the briefing room, one after another, while Kathryn and Chakotay took their usual seats, waiting for their people to sit down so the meeting could begin. 

-=/\=-

Later on, as she was sitting at the desk in her ready room, Kathryn reflected on the meeting. Actually, she reflected on the conversation she had had beforehand -- or, to be precise, trying to figure out why she had needed his approval. 'Well, I know why I wanted it,' Kathryn thought. 'But why did I need it?' And needed it she had indeed, even if that was somewhat difficult for Kathryn to accept. 

It might have had to do with not wanting to strain their friendship again, she mused. This was entirely possible, because they were getting along fairly well ever since they had overcome their major fight over the "Equinox". At least, Kathryn wanted to believe this to be the only reason. 

Thinking about other possibilities made her vaguely uncomfortable, so she decided to focus back on the task at hand. The staff meeting had resulted in the decision to alter course to investigate the black hole, with just a very few concerns having been voiced. Chakotay's objections she had known beforehand of course, so he had kept quiet, remembering his promise. Tuvok, being her conscience, had surprisingly -- for both Kathryn and Chakotay -- voiced the exact same thoughts Chakotay earlier had. Seven and B'Elanna, however, had for once agreed on something, namely the possibility of reducing the risk for Voyager to nearly zero. They had reasoned that, given the size of the black hole, the precautionary step of keeping a distance of nearly one light-year would prevent Voyager from being pulled in. At that distance, their maximum speed would still be higher than the actual fleeing speed, meaning with their warp drive online they could produce a counterforce, thus keeping Voyager in one place. All in all, their reasoning had been that as long as Voyager kept away from the event horizon of the black hole, they would be sufficiently safe. 

There was a catch, though. 

The constant pull on Voyager, even though it would be balanced by the artificially produced counterforce, would soon be taking its toll on the ship, hence they would have no more than three days to investigate. After that period of time they would risk damage to the hull as well as the warp drive. 

'Better than nothing,' Kathryn thought. 

When the door chime sounded, startling her out of her thoughts, Kathryn knew beyond a doubt who would be wanting to see her. This knowledge, as used to it as she was, still surprised her at times, because never before had she experienced anything comparable with anyone else. 

She didn't believe for a single second that this had to do with Chakotay being predicable (although he sometimes was). If that were the case, Kathryn would also be able to tell what he wanted to talk about, but she didn't. 

"Come," she called, and put the report she had been trying to read aside to throw a curious look in Chakotay's direction. Kathryn actually had to smile as he entered, though, because -- as anticipated by her -- he was carrying a PADD. 'Most likely his excuse for coming here,' Kathryn mused, because the expression on his face told her that the PADD wasn't the most prominent thought on his mind. 

Chakotay came to stop in front of her desk, handing her the report without a word. He had yet to figure out how to voice his thoughts without upsetting her. 

Kathryn took the PADD without so much as a glance at it and gestured for him to sit, tilting her head a bit to her left in doing so. "I'm dead sure you have something on your mind. What is it, Chakotay?" 

"You're not going to like it," he eventually answered, if somewhat evasively. 

"It has to do with the black hole." 

'Not again,' she sighed inwardly. 'And here I was thinking we've dropped the topic.' 

"Go on," Kathryn urged him, wanting to get this over with. If she wasn't going to like it, that was fine with her. Her good mood had just flown out the window. 

"I've been thinking about what B'Elanna and Seven said," Chakotay began tentatively. "Producing a counterforce to keep Voyager from being pulled in, I mean. Well, that sounds all well and good, but I think we're missing a piece of the puzzle, so to speak." 

"I'm not sure what you're getting at," Kathryn replied in genuine confusion. 

"Has it never occurred to you, Kathryn, that a minor malfunction in Voyager's systems might cause the warp core to go off-line? What are we to do then? Continue investigating the black hole from the inside?" he added sarcastically. 

"Are you asking me to reconsider because of 'what ifs'?" she demanded. "You of all people should know all too well that this line of thinking is fruitless. Am I really to consider each and every minor 'what if' every time I have to make a decision? You know what? If that were the case, I'd still be weighing the pros and cons about whether or not to destroy the Caretaker's array." She could be sarcastic as well. 

"That's the whole point," Chakotay replied with more force than necessary. "This 'what if' is not minor but a very, very real and dangerous possibility, leading to this ship's destruction should it really happen." 

"Chakotay, why are you so damn resistant in this case?" Kathryn abruptly changed the subject. "I thought we'd agreed on following through with this should the senior staff be fine with it. Which they are, if I may add. So, what's your problem?" 

"I ... I just have a sense of foreboding," Chakotay retorted. "It's nothing I can explain ... Just my instinct telling me we're in for major trouble." 

That, at least, made some sense to Kathryn, who was used to acting on instinct. Still, she refused to let this opportunity pass her by. "I assure you, Chakotay, that we'll be out of this region at the first sign of trouble." This was meant to calm him, but surprisingly had the opposite effect. 

"By then it might be too late!" Chakotay's voice didn't get louder; it wasn't in his nature to yell, but there was a definite edge to his voice. 

'Argh! If I didn't love him so much I'd most likely be throttling him right now!' Kathryn thought angrily-and froze as the thought hit home. 'I do love him, don't I,' she wondered. 'Oh my...' This caught her so off-guard that she wasn't capable of covering it up. 

Chakotay, having always been sensitive to her mood or changes thereof, immediately grew curious when a look of utter amazement spread across her face. 

"Kathryn? You all right?" 

"Wha ... What?" she muttered by way of response. "What did you just ask?" 

The curiosity on Chakotay's face turned into concern. "I asked if you are all right, but I can see that you're not. What is it, Kathryn?" 

"Nothing," she lied, if not very convincingly. No way she would let him in on her thoughts -- or her feelings for him, to be more precise. That was something Kathryn had to deal with by herself at first, before she would so much as consider telling him. But right now, her mind was in turmoil. What she needed was some time to think, to get everything straight. And she needed it soon. "If that was all, Commander, I'd like to get some work done." 

Utterly puzzled by her strange behavior, Chakotay actually complied, even though he hadn't accomplished what he had come here for, and left the ready room. 

The second the doors slit shut behind her second-in-command; Kathryn dropped the PADD she had feigned to be thoroughly reading and leaned into her chair with a heavy sigh. Then her head dropped backwards, and Kathryn closed her eyes, covering her face with her hands. 'Oh my God, I love him,' she thought desperately, and the words repeated themselves like a mantra in her mind. 

What was she to do now? She couldn't just drop by his quarters, break the news, and go on like nothing had happened ... or could she? No, this was ridiculous! She was an adult -- a Starfleet officer, for God' sake! Why was she having such difficulty with this? But the answer to this one was easy: Kathryn was simply afraid. Not of him or neglecting her ship and crew if she were to pursue a romantic relationship with her First Officer. No, it was more fundamental than that -- she was afraid of his reaction. Either he still felt the same way, or he no longer did. Either way ... whichever Chakotay's reaction might be ... Kathryn was simply and plainly frightened. 

"Great ... now you're turning into a coward," she scolded herself. "Just great..." 

Remaining in the ready room for a long, long time, Kathryn kept thinking about what she was-or wasn't-going to do ... without any remarkable result... 

-=/\=-

As the days went by, Kathryn was beginning to get irritable and snappy because of her thoughts circling around one question: what to do? The behavior of hers certainly didn't go by unnoticed; many of the crew had made contact with a remarkably pissed Captain, above all Chakotay, because somewhere along the road Kathryn had begun to make him responsible for the lack of sleep she was suffering from. She was only partly right, though. Sure, Chakotay was the reason for, but not the cause of her insomnia. 

'Damn, I'd give anything for a counselor!' Kathryn thought on her way to the bridge. This thought, however, conjured up an image of Chakotay, for he was their de facto one. Shaking her head, Kathryn tried to clear her mind so she could focus on the task at hand. Now, that Voyager had arrived at the coordinates provided by Seven and B'Elanna, she clearly had other priorities than indulging in fantasies about her First Officer ... at least she should have. It was a difficult task to accomplish-and that was putting it mildly. 

-=/\=-

Chakotay somewhat dreaded Kathryn's arrival at the bridge. This recent attitude of hers was slowly but surely getting on his nerves, and he had some difficulty not snapping at her in response, which was becoming considerably harder by the way. In other words: Chakotay was about to corner her and make her tell him whatever it was she had gotten so worked up over. 

Alas, in addition to a snappy and irritable captain, he also was gradually growing more concerned over Voyager's current mission. This sense of foreboding had never left him ... if at all possible, it had become stronger. As it was, Chakotay was just waiting for something to go wrong-aside from Kathryn earning the title "Bitch of the Millennium". 

"Status report?" he asked for the umpteenth time within the last hour, drawing curious glances from about everyone on the bridge but Tuvok. The stoic Vulcan merely arched an eyebrow, although that might pass as the Vulcan way of expressing curiosity. Chakotay didn't know, and truth be told, he didn't care, either. 

"All systems operating at peak efficiency," Harry Kim replied, sounding somewhat annoyed. He was sick of being asked the same question over and over again. It was tantamount to questioning his capability of fulfilling his duty properly. Then again, he also was aware of Chakotay's being under an ugly kind of stress. Harry would have to have been blind, deaf, and stupid altogether not to notice the very obvious strain on the command team's relationship. Thus he had yet to decide whether to be angry with or have pity on his Commander. 

Just then Kathryn entered the bridge with the now well-known aura of annoyance surrounding her. It was as if she was wearing a sign with, "Don't even think about bothering me" written on it. "Status report?" she demanded, never slowing down her pace as she headed straight for the command chair. 

"All systems operating at peak efficiency," Harry repeated for her benefit. All could have been fine here, but he made the fatal mistake of sighing while answering his Captain. 

Naturally, Kathryn caught it. "Do you have any problem, Ensign?" she snapped, and it seemed that she hadn't done anything else for a little eternity. 

"No, Ma'am," Harry was quick to reply. "No problem at all, Captain." 

"Good," Kathryn said. "But I'll suggest that you drop the attitude." 

That was it. Chakotay, having remained silent and swallowing any comment he might have had up to now, was fed up with her. She was the one whose attitude was questionable after all. Every so slowly, as if he had all the time in the world, he stood and looked her in the eye. "May I have a word with you, Captain?" he managed to say, barely able to hide his anger. 

"Later," she replied, distracted. 

Chakotay appeared stunned, but only for a second or to. "Ready room. Now!" 

That caught Kathryn's attention ... as well as anyone else's for that matter. And that wasn't surprising at all, because it was the first time-ever -- that anyone had witnessed Chakotay losing his temper, let alone speaking to the Captain in such a manner. Then again, no one, except Kathryn of course, was really too shocked by this ... not even Tuvok, who had seen it coming, and that had to have some meaning. 

Visible seething with barely controlled fury, Kathryn got up. And if looks had been able to kill, Chakotay would have dropped dead, but as it was, he didn't care much about that at the moment. "Very well, Commander," she said, putting much emphasis on his rank. "Have it your way. Tuvok, you have the bridge," she called, rather yelled, over her shoulder as she purposefully headed for her ready room, Chakotay following closely behind. 

After the doors had slit shut behind them, Paris, who had remained remarkably quiet during the day, turned around, and with a serious look in his eyes, said, "I don't know whom to pity more -- the Captain or the Commander." 

-=/\=-

Once inside, Kathryn turned around and no longer tried to control her fury, her eyes dangerously blazing with fire. "How dare you speak to me in this tone? I..." 

"Oh, spare me," Chakotay replied, cutting her off. "How dare you take your bad mood out on anyone? You've been behaving like a spoiled brat over the last five days! I ought to spank you for this attitude of yours." 

"Excuse me?" Kathryn said, incredulous, annoying pictures forming in her mind. The most annoying fact was, though, that in her mind she was enjoying it, which was more shocking than anything else. "You're way out of line!" 

"I'm out of line?" he retorted. "_I'm_ out of line? What the hell do you think you've been for the last five days?" Chakotay practically yelled beyond the capability of his lungs to provide him with the needed oxygen, taking one step towards her with each uttered word. "I've been patient, telling myself that you'd come around! Stupid as I am, I've actually thought you would! Pure self-deception on my part! So tell me, Kathryn, what's gotten into you that you're about to earn the title 'Bitch of the Millennium' in record time?" Kathryn, torn between slapping his arrogant face and breaking into tears, opened her mouth to give him a piece of her mind as Voyager began to rock, sending her and Chakotay sprawling to the floor, and a split second later, the red alert klaxon thundered through the ship. Both Kathryn and Chakotay picked themselves up off the floor in no time, dashing through the ready room doors before Tuvok got a chance to hail them. 

"Report!" Kathryn barked, partly to drown out the red alert, partly of fear that the worst-case scenario, which Chakotay had so vividly pictured five days ago, had become reality. 

"We're losing power due to an energy fluctuation!" Kim replied. "We're being pulled in!" 

Kathryn cast a more than worried glance toward Chakotay, and despite all, found reassurance there. "Create a high level warp field around Voyager! That should help counteract the gravitational pull!" 

"It's not enough," Paris yelled from the helm, desperately trying not to lose control over the ship, his fingers practically flying over his station. 

"Transfer all available power the engines!" Kathryn ordered. 

"We're still being pulled in!" Harry reported back. 

"Shut down life-support!" 

"Still not enough," Paris replied. 

"Open the antimatter injectors to 120%!" It was only option left, Kathryn noted and started praying. After all she and her crew had seen, had been through together, she refused to believe that it should end like this. Besides, she had yet to tell Chakotay about her feelings for him. No, she definitely didn't want to die, but did that matter? Kathryn so hoped it did. 

"Captain, that could breach the core!" Harry pointed out. 

"Either that, or we'll be crushed by the gravity," she replied. "Just do it!" 

The next thing Kathryn remembered was unceremoniously dropping to the floor, as the very strong counter gravitational pull from Voyager's overpowered warp core was just too much to compensate for the inertial dampers. And then ... nothing, because she hit her head pretty hard on her command chair. 

-=/\=-

Some things never changed, and the unmistakable, antiseptic, smell of sickbay was among those things, Kathryn realized as she gradually came to, but refused to open her eyes just yet. Judging by the dull pain in her head, that probably was a wise course of action. The lights were most likely to bright for her liking. 

'What am I doing in sickbay anyway?' she wondered, and then decided that there was just one way to find out. 

Ever so slowly, Kathryn opened her eyes, preparing herself for the pain. This action went remarkably well, though. Only a short-lived pain accompanied it, causing a sigh of relief to slip past her lips. 

"How are you feeling?" a male voice asked next to her -- and it wasn't the Doctor, of that she was sure. 

Turning her head to face him, Kathryn asked, "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on the bridge?" 

"That's a nice way to tell me that I'm not wanted," Chakotay replied ironically. "Now I'll repeat: how are you feeling? And I expect an honest answer," he added before she could say something like "I'm fine." 

'He's incredible,' Kathryn figured. No harsh words? No 'I've told you this was a bad idea'? No further arguing over her uncalled-for behavior? Kathryn felt like breaking into tears, because he was so damn caring! She could handle his being mad at her, but this was ... almost too much to bear. So she averted her gaze for a moment, staring at the ceiling to compose herself. "I've seen better days," she answered eventually. "Though I'm feeling remarkably well for ... for ... what exactly has happened?" 

"You've hit your head pretty badly ... on your command chair." Chakotay actually chuckled at this, and then grew serious again. "You've been in sickbay for the last two days, with a muttering Doctor who constantly commented on your stubbornness, which actually served a purpose this time. All in all, I'd say you got lucky ... again." 

"Why's that?" she asked curiously. 

"Because your First Officer was about to go out of his mind, but managed not to," Chakotay whispered. "You've scared the hell out of me ... again. All I've been thinking about was that the last words we exchanged were spoken in anger..." 

"Chakotay," Kathryn replied equally quietly, "let's have a talk as soon as I can get out of here. There are a few things I must tell you." 

If he was surprised by her answer, he hid it well. "That would be wise." 

-=/\=-

Having been released from sickbay but sent to her quarters for a complete recovery, Kathryn used the additional time to catch up on the recent events. As it was, Voyager hadn't suffered too much damage from the little stunt they'd pulled. Still, several relays had blown and the warp core had had to be taken off-line for maintenance, as opening the antimatter injectors 120% had made readjustment a necessity. 

To Kathryn's surprise, they still had managed to collect useful data from investigating the black hole, but Kathryn found that she couldn't really summon up as much as enthusiasm about that as she had before. She had, after all, put Voyager at an unnecessary risk, simply to satisfy her own selfish scientific curiosity. In retrospect, Kathryn realized that Chakotay had been right all along with his worries. Black holes were indeed unpredictable as well as dangerous; someone with her scientific background should have known that. In addition, he also had been right in the end with his worst-case scenario. That was hard to swallow for Kathryn. 

But even harder to swallow was the fact that she had been putting off her talk with Chakotay for two days. Kathryn had absolutely no idea how to tell him, explain to him, what had been going through her mind, let alone how to tell him about her feelings for him. 

'That's been your excuse for two days now,' a tiny yet firm voice in her mind scolded her. 'Not knowing how to go about it. What about taking one step at a time?' That wasn't such a bad idea, Kathryn figured. 

She tapped her combadge. "Janeway to Chakotay." 

"Chakotay here. Go ahead." 

"I ... Do you have a moment? I'd like to talk to you." 

"I'll be there in a minute. Chakotay out." 

Now that that was finally done, Kathryn noticed that she was just wearing her nightgown and robe. She considered changing into something else, but figured that she didn't have the time ... and as if to prove her right, her door chime sounded, announcing Chakotay's arrival. 'Damn, that was fast!' Kathryn thought and headed for the door to open it herself. Once that had been accomplished, she openly stared at him for several seconds, before stepping aside to let him enter. 

Chakotay looked as if he hadn't been sleeping much over the last two days, which was the reason for her odd reaction. The dark circles under his eyes were proof enough of that. 

He looked spent, to put it mildly. 

"Have a seat," Kathryn said softly. "Can I get you anything?" 

"No, thanks," came his quiet reply as he plopped down onto the couch, and Kathryn had to strain her ears to understand him. Not needing anything, either, Kathryn settled at the other end of the couch, curling her feet beneath her and watching him for the time being, not saying a single word. 

"I assume you want to talk about your recent behavior, or something having to do with it, right?" Chakotay asked when she didn't appear as if she would start talking any time soon. 

"Yes," Kathryn softly confirmed, and then the words started pouring out of her. She couldn't think of anything to say before, and now she wasn't able to stop talking. "You're just like that black hole back there ... pulling in anything that happens to come too close to you. I'm aware that you don't do that deliberately, but that doesn't make any difference. I suppose one could say that I've been caught in your gravitational pull, and now am unable to summon up enough energy to free myself, although that's what I've been trying to do. But a time comes when you realize that fighting such things is useless, and I eventually arrived at this conclusion..." Kathryn paused for a second to summon up enough courage to tell him in a straightforward way. 

"What I've been trying to say is that ... I've realized that I love you and am in love with you..." She trailed off, her voice having gone very soft towards the end; and now she awaited his reaction with trepidation. On one hand, Kathryn could very well imagine that, in the intervening time, his feelings for her had changed. She really hadn't done much to nourish them. But on the other hand, if that were the case, she couldn't make anything of his comments back in sickbay. So there really wasn't anything to do but wait for his reaction. 

Chakotay, however, looked as if frozen in time. One might think he even had stopped breathing if it weren't for the slight rising and falling of his chest. 

'Oh my, not exactly what I was hoping for,' Kathryn thought dejectedly, and prepared herself for the negative response she anticipated, which was excruciating now that she had made herself so vulnerable. 'Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything.' She broke eye contact with him, looking instead at an imaginary spot above his right shoulder. Kathryn couldn't keep this up for long, though, and so she slowly stood, certain that he'd be able to find the door by himself, and headed for her bedroom. 

'What exactly were you expecting?' Kathryn wondered as she refused to give in to shedding the tears that had begun to well up. 'It's not as if this reaction was beyond the realm of possibility.' 

When she came to a stop in front of the view port, Kathryn lost the battle with her emotions. Her shoulders sagged, and she no longer tried to fight her tears, allowing herself this moment of weakness as she stared at the passing stars. But she'd be damned if she gave into sobbing out loud, and so she made no sound at all. 

The arms, which gently wrapped around her waist only seconds later, caught her by surprise, causing the sobs to escape. Kathryn had not heard or seen him approaching, and she was relieved beyond description that Chakotay apparently had ... had ... had what? Taking in a few shuddering breaths, Kathryn was about to ask just that when he cut her off with four little words that she never before had been so glad to hear. 

And the words were: "I love you too."

The End 

Additional Author's Note: It's actually 11:56 pm on December 31, 1999, and this definitely was my last story in the 20th century.


End file.
